A year ago……
I’m a terrible person….haven’t posted a thing on here in almost a year now. That said even the best of us need a break from it all at some point in time. Good news is that I am going to try and start wring here again assuming I can find the time in my schedule.
Practicality tells me now is the best and yet worst time to write.
It has been said that every story has a beginning, middle and an end. I guess that at any given moment in our time on Earth we are at some point of some story that defines who we are. The real question is do we ever really know what part we are in?
Happiness is definitive on our own well-being. I mean we are a product of an environment that we invent and if we allow ourselves to wallow in dissatisfaction then what more can we expect from life? I may have learned this the hard way, and maybe a little too late for my own good but that is what it is and I have little control over the past events. Today could be the end or it could be the beginning, which remains unknown.
Day 662: Struggles
When we where kids we just wanted to grow up. It was going to be so much easier when we grew up.
Then we grow up……..
We realize that although we can pick our bedtime and pick our TV shows life is far harder than we thought it would be. I guess that’s why I have been missing from here for so long. My weight is still dropping, my attitude is still evolving but there are many other factors in play with my life as a whole and some are hard to write about.
This blog is really my place to process, some people who read it are my personal friends, others I have met along the road of finding me, others don’t know me personally (although anyone who is dedicated to reading a persons blog will know that you may as well know that person entirely) and then whoever else stumbles across me.
This has been my place, my silent voice. Now I find myself at a point that requires gut wrenching soul-searching. Should my life of reached a point that I could only bear my soul like this? At what point did I become this person? Shut off and unable to express myself within my own home?
This one last hurdle to jump through, no doubt the biggest and most painful one that I need to face to date. No irony that I saved it for last really.
All that weight. All that negative thinking. All the stress. All the pain bottled down. The question really is can I find a way to move past it all and make a better life for myself or am I going to spin in circles in fear?
How strong am I?
Day 617:Dreams
I have this weird dream from time to time about a house. Against my better judgement I buy it because the actual bones of the place are amazing and I see the potential to do so much with it. The people who live there clearly are second generation homeowners as the house is crammed full of beautiful old antiques and a insane mixture of belongings ranging from youth to adulthood.
The oddest part of the house is on the lower level where there are 6 bedrooms each equipped with a medical bathroom. Apparently this area was designed to accommodate the first generations families children who had various medical complications in their lives. This area of the house made me uncomfortable but I saw the potential again to create a B&B idea as the house was a walkout style basement.
Anyway I bought the house, it was a good price and although I was concerned about the time it would take to make it perfect I felt it a good challenge for me. On the day I took ownership I realized that I had my work cut out for me. Some of the personal effects had been removed but for the better part the house remained as was, heavily cluttered with years of belongings. There was a beautiful antique roll top desk bursting with papers and bills (I always wanted a desk like that) and it was the first thing I tidied up.
I began to worry about what I had done buying this house. About the undertaking of this job. I sat by the kidney-shaped concrete pool (we don’t have concrete pools in Canada though) and looked at the leaves floating on the water. I wondered if the pool was the only thing that was really in functioning order.
Now remember that I have had this dream many times so this is a piecing together of many dreams into one tale.
Last night I was busy taking control of a massive room on the lower level. It was about 15 feet wide and at least 60 feet long. It ran the entire length of the back of the house with some windows and several doors opening into the backyard. It was full of everything. I am sure I saw at least 15 bikes, skis, snowshoes, more and more clothes in boxes, it was overwhelming to say the least. I had 3 boys (well older teens anyway) who were helping me haul stuff outside onto a patio area. I know that’s what we did but I don’t recall actually seeing the space cleared out. I decided this was going to be a library type hallway with some chairs and what not throughout it.
I remember going into the area with the medical bedrooms to get some books, there was a room off one bedroom full of children’s books and I thought to start a pile in one corner of my project room of all the books I could find in the house. I ended up getting the boys to do it as I just couldn’t feel comfortable in that area of the house. Those rooms make me feel very sick to my stomach.
I’m sure that there’s a lot of self exploration in this repeated dream of mine. Me, the girl who finds such happiness in the simple pleasures of design is likely processing a lifetime of demons behind that subconscious storyline.
Either way I was awake by 7am and unable to get back to sleep. I decided to write it down for once. MAybe my brain can do more with it visiting it again in the conscious word.
Part of me really hopes that one day I dream about that house being completed. I think that is really important.
Day 605: That works
Weight doesnt just fall off your body. I mean its a real mass of fat right? I ask because my scale keeps offering up better and better numbers everyday and I fear that it cant possible be true! That said I will post my morning weight here just because its so nice to say, guess what? Today I weigh 187 lbs on the dot.
It feels much better than that 255lbs I can tell you that!
Day 601: Look who’s up!
I am madly impressed with myself today. I have no reason to be up yet as I have no kids till later but yet I still got up early. Not my usual take on a morning off that’s for sure.
Not much new to report since I last wrote.
Last night I got to see a friend who relocated to a new school. Still lives in the same spot but her going back to work and her kids switching schools makes our time together a lot less.
It was great to see her, and even greater to listne to her perception on me. Its been about 2 months since we have seen eachother but she said she could see noticable changes to my figure and even more to my attitude. Who would have thought my life could turn around so much?
Day 600: Summer Days
I love summer. I love the sun on my skin and the sweat on my brow. I love that my white legs turn a brownish shade (well for me anyway) and I love the sound of water splashing around. Simply put I love every element of summertime.
I think that weight loss clearly connects to mood too because now that summer is really here in full swing the scale appears to be working in my favor. The last 2 days it has blessed me with a 191 lbs when getting up and a 193.2 lb area at bedtime. More reasons to smile in my books.
Life remains fast paced with the kids. I am always on the go to the pond to feed the ducks, the creek to look for frogs and fish or on a chair poolside listening to tunes in one ear while telling the kids what they shouldnt be doing.
I’m in a pretty good place with myself right now. I’m to a point that I’m no longer stressing myself out if it’s too hot to run, or if I can’t get my house perfectly clean. I’m just happy with myself and it feels really good.
I think that I am a pretty positive person in general since I decided to fix myself up. I am surprised that the sunshine has added to it. I was so negative at one point in literally consumed me.
So all in all? 600 days of me and im going strong, living my life and learning day by day.
Day 594: Life as I know it
Life is weird at times. I mean there are days that I sit around wondering if the day will ever end and then days that fly by in the blink of an eye. Now summer is here I find the time zooming by and I am in bliss as I have sunshine, camping and running to fill my time.
My addiction to coffee is getting worse. I am now brushing my teeth like a lunatic to avoid stains. Good thing I never tried crack I guess.
The greatest news to tell is I have lost more weight. I tend not to talk about weight as I don’t seem to be loosing any, but this week I have. So I am happy to say I am at 193 now. The 180’s are in sight……….
Day 592: Gym
I am fully committed to going to the gym tonight. I didnt run again last night as I have a weird twang in my thigh. I decided that I should listen to my body and wait that one out. If it feels good tonight I will do an hour on the treadmill then my 30 minute workout. Either way I will be at the gym.
Food yesterday went pretty well. The only really bad thing I ate was a jumbo freezie but since it is hot as hell I think I will live.
Also found out that the hole in my tooth is just a chip so I can stop thinking about root canals and stressing about how I would pay for one without benefits. Finally a perk from a family members line of employment!
Thats all I got for you. Sometimes I am pretty boring. More so since I stopped drinking 🙂
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