Pishposh71's Blog


Day 500: What it means….

There was a time when I questioned the reasons things happened to me.  I could waste a lifetime wondering how to fix all the mistakes I have made in my life or I could just accept that they happened for a reason and hope that in the end it served for a purpose.  If my father hadn’t died would I have become the woman that I am today?  Or any of the many dominoes that tumbled over after this event?  I dont think I would have been.  I think each bad thing or painful thing we live through helps build us stronger inside.

I’m one of those people who believes in destiny and fate and what not.  I think its very cheesy that I feel that way but it is what it is.  I used to think that the world was very cruel to me somedays but now I try to remember that each experience I have is leading to a better me.  I guess I’m trying to have faith that in the end it will be worth it all? Taking a different perspective and a positive attitude toward myself.  I want to know that in the end I played my life out right, that I followed the road that was intended for me.

Day 500. That’s a lot of days I’m proud of.

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Day 479: Words

Yesterday I was over on the Eat Clean Kitchen Table reading various stories and quotes.  Most of what I read now makes total sense and I have a understanding of what people are feeling or experiencing.  I suddenly realized that this has a significant meaning.  I have reached a point where I can remember feeling a certain way about myself or the way I lived.  What a terrific feeling to suddenly get that I am on the road to being me again.  Not just waiting at the light to go but well on my way.

One member over there really resonates with me.  I feel her pain and recognize it for what it is, what it always was and would remain until she sees it for what it is.  Her recent post really rang home with its truth and I was so happy to see her reach this point.  Her quote was, “TO CURE JEALOUSY IS TO SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS, A DISSATISFACTION WITH SELF”.  No truer words could be said.  Admitting to the world and yourself that you don’t believe in yourself or your worth is the first painful truth you need to make in order to get up and build yourself up.  I know this first hand.  It is easy to hide self hate within yourself but much braver to own it and begin healing.  Just the act itself is half the battle because once you do it you have the strength to push yourself.

Another post talked about a positive attitude toward your success.  It seems silly that little words can change how you respond to situations and your own motivation but this is so very true.  I was a doubter about this one all around but open to try anything once.  It made a difference, taking a negative and finding a positive spin on it has to be a necessity if you want to succeed at this.

So these words are quoted from another post:

 

These words in your vocabulary have got to go in regards to your will to succeed….

“but” – “try” – “hope”

I want to eat clean but ______________ (insert any excuse here…too expensive, my sister does the cooking, i don’t have time to prepare, etc…)

That word “but” negates everything before it.

I am trying to work out 3x a week.

There is no level of commitment there. There is no real intention. Because if you don’t reach that goal….well then you didn’t really fail because at least you tried.

I hope I can run that 5K in 6 weeks.

Hope is not a strategy. Any real goal needs a plan….and a good sound one at that!

I wasn’t always disciplined. In order for change to occur…..your cuurent situation has to become more uncomfortable that what the situation entails for changing that current situation.

“There is going to be pain in your life. It is going to be the pain of discilpine….or the pain of regeret.”


Someone love me!

Posted in Uncategorized by pishposh71 on February 26, 2009
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natashaOK so this blogging thing is new to me and I have to say that I enjoy a place to unload my thought and feelings, I can however say that in my 48 hours of use I am already experiancing the highs and lows of the little statistics bar. I mean yesterday 51 people decided to take a look around my mind (blog) but today its a mere 9. I look at the little graph and it makes me sad (while oddly reminding me of Madonna’s cone bra) Is my mind really that boring? Now admittedly today is not a good day for me to be expressing myself as I have a wicked case of PMS and everything is getting on my nerves. That said I thought it better to write this down than plan out the perfect way to abduct SpunkRansom for my own personal use (hard to plan or do being hes in Tokyo)

Posted in My Life thoughts by pishposh71 on February 24, 2009
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So simpily put I haven’t written anything in here for awhile which is a shame because my brain could do with a quick download. My brain is wired for sound right now and there is so much shit whipping around in my head that it may be possible that I have lost my mind. Wait, I have THREE kids so that clears up any doubts about my sanity level. I can think about a dozen things to write about but at this moment in time putting them to paper seems like a relatively bad idea. So I will have to come up with some sort of compromise with myself! O.K I think I have found a nice safe topic to talk about. Friendships. So at my ripe old age I have been through all different types of friendships over the years, you can really break this down into two catagories, the first being the friendships with men, the second being friendships with women. As anyone one over the age of 10 should know there is a clear line in the sand between the two. Soon as the sexes are old enough to establish a differance between the sexes it starts. My husband says that it is impossibe for a man and a women to be friends without some sort of a sexual thing being there. I’d like to say that he is wrong, In fact at some point I would of, but as I grow older I find that on some level this is true. Not to say that it is always a two sided street, as it is not. In my life I can evaluate all friendships with men and see that on some level my husband is right. At the same time its gotta leave me wondering about women HE is friends with!lol. So its really complicated to have a friend of the opposite sex at any point of your life because really there is a hidden agenda on someones point. The opposite sexes really can’t relate to one another that well on an open emotional level. Men don’t want to listen to women whine about stuff, women don’t want to listen to men talk about who they scored with. Marriage works because the friendship is actually LOVE, the next step up the ladder. At this point we don’t have to listen to men talk about sex, we just have to deal with the fact that they want it from us all the time. Men accept that we will whine and complain, but they have mastered that listening to us will get them sex. So its really a compromise on both parts for the continuing reproduction of mankind. I can’t talk about the structure of relationships between men as I have no cock and so therefore know knowledge of their social planning. Friendships with women I can talk about. I’m going to clarify now that by friendships with women I do not mean anything sexual, at some point a man may read this and so it should be stated that no sex is going to be discussed. Sorry boys!! Anyway friendships over the years are different as we go through all the fphases of our lifes. I have two friends from when I was just 5 years old. One is still a friend and one is not. Nichole and I remain friends because we have always known eachother and although we are completely different people now we remember that we are really the same when it comes down to the child in us. If I met her when I was 20 instead of 5 we likely wouldn’t of become friends. If I needed her she would be there for me in a heartbeat, even if an ocean does seperate us. She’s a friend who reminds me of youth and innocence, of a childhood with a mother and a father. Now the other friend is Lauren, the three of us were best pals as kids, we stayed friends until 1999 when her life fell apart, cheating husband, nasty divorce and babies to care for. She was a step ahead of me on lifes ladder, I was about to get married and begin a new life while her’s was ending. I’m not sure what happened but she just walked away from us without ever looking back I can only think that it hurt to see us begining when she was suffering. So I haven’t spoken to her in 7 years but she is still my friend if she ever needs me. Again because she holds my youth in her head and heart, she knows me when I was innocent and ignorant of all of lifes complicated road. These friendships I hold close to me even though these people are across the planet living lives so different to mine. There are my friends Winnie and Johanne who saw me through my teenage years. They held my hand while I tried to struggle into who I wanted to be. Even when I wasn’t much of a person to know they stood by me because they knew that eventually I’d straighten out. They were right about that too. We had lots of fun together drinking and getting into trouble,but it was much more than that. Both like me are all grown up and married, one with kids, one without. Like my childhood friends, these friends also live lives differant to mine. In a time of need or in a moment needing clarity we can always count on eachother to be honest and see eachother through whatever is needed. I love these girls like I love my children. I will always be there for them at any stage of our lives. In my very late teens I moved away from Winnie and Johanne to a new community. It was a bad point in my life were I struggled with my past and my personal idenity. Actually I didn’t have an idenity of my own, rather that of the boy who I was currently sleeping with. Daddy issues as some like to call them and which would be likely correct. Through one of these destructive relationships (3 years and he was unknowingly or unwillingly acknowleding that he was gay) I met a girl who was several years younger than me. Laura was the one person from this point in my life who I still know well. I guess that at this point we were so messed up that we can’t remember who are friends were at this point. Anyway she was always on the step behind me in life so to speak, because she was younger than me I guess. When I was drinking daily and destroying everything in my life she was there for me though. She made sure that I lived when I wanted to die. Funny that I say she was on the step of life BEHIND me instead of INFRONT of me when I read this. We went off to college together and in a couple of weeks she is marrying my husbands best friend. You would think that this would make for a great situation for the four of us but its different now. In someways we are still on different pages of our lives. At some point I guess that we will all be at the same point in our lives, and I want that. I love her and wish that we could become closer. Lately with her wedding we have done just this and when she has children I expect we will relate better on lifes complications. I value her greatly. Theres alot of other friendships I can write about but I’m only going to talk about two of them. Both of them would be from my grown up perspective. The first would be my friend Lori, who is also my sister-in-law too. I can’t imagine my life without her. She has held my hand through most of my married downs and has helped me do a lot of growing up over the last decade. She is honest with her evaluation on situations and always tries to help me put things in perspective. This relationship is also like the ladder, except Lori is sort of up a step from me, we are both married with kids but she is older and been married longer. She gets all the anoying stuff about marriage. The other friendship is fairly new and sort of weird. I met a women this summer, Janet, who is the same as me, I mean that she is me in her own messed up way. Cut from the same cloth so to speak. It was clear from the first cup of coffee that we would become best friends and we both knew it. It was the strangest experiance of my life to meet someone who just understood me immediately, she knew me like a friend who you had known forever. I had always been envious of people who had someone like that in their life. The people who had known eachother since grade school and who’s lives had always remained that close. I never had someone like that in my circle of friends, I love them all to death, but no one like that. It was strange to find that person at 35 years old. I’m not afraid to tell her anything about how I feel, no shame in anything because I know that she holds no judgement on me. At this point in my life I consider her an Angel sent to see me safely through inward pains. So this it it, my take on all the friendships we have in this road called life. I don’t try to understand what it is all about because I need no help in my meloncoly these days. I love them all in differant ways but without them I wouldn’t be who I am today. They all helped me become me.