Pishposh71's Blog

Day 525: Like a dog

Posted in Re Inventing Me by pishposh71 on May 14, 2011

When I was  255 lbs I used to tell myself that I was happy with me.  That I was happy with the fact that I didn’t have to worry like my thin friends about if I could have dessert. Hell I could have 2 if I wanted because it didn’t matter I was happy just as I was, my husband and kids loved me just as I was.  I really truly was not consciously aware of how unhappy I was unless I happened upon a big bottle of wine or maybe a mickey of rum and then the truth would spurt out my mouth like vile poison. The horrible truth of self-doubt, self loathing and poor self-esteem would surface and drag me on an emotional roller coaster that lasted much longer than the drunk.

Why am I telling you this?

Honestly I am hoping that by some odd fluke someone may stumble across this entry who feels just this way because I want to share what can happen if you can just open yourself to the possibility that you are unhappy, that you can accept that fact and own it like a badge even when you are sober. That it’s up to you to make changes to better yourself even if secretly you hate who you have become a little.

It’s worth it, to let yourself reach rock bottom, to accept the shame you feel because from that point you can only move upward.  I thought that their was so much shame in doing this. I felt like a dog with its tail between its legs accepting this and I am sure anyone else would too. It’s not an easy thing to do but it is a necessary thing to do if you want to do it right.

When you do it the world will lift you up. That may sound silly but it is nothing but the truth.  People will back you and encourage you, those same people you where so afraid to tell how you felt in the first place.  I honestly can’t tell you the number of times my friends and family have surprised me in the reactions I get for different things I do.  It changes your whole perspective on the world and with that you change so much more than just in physical appearance. I am a different person today than I was before just because I took a risk and left myself open to change.

If I am lucky enough to share these words with someone and help them move forward then I can smile.


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