Pishposh71's Blog

Day 89: Its never adds up

Posted in Re Inventing Me by pishposh71 on February 2, 2010

I can’t imagine what it would be like to have “extra” money.  I mean at one point we did have extra money.  Not much compared to what most would call extra money but some.  Enough to renovate the bathroom and do some other stuff.  The pool was a really big thing but thats on the mortgage so it’s really like it’s not there.  The trailer was a big deal but the better part of that was a tax return.

These days everything is a struggle.  It’s like a weight on my back that just won’t go no matter how much the bathroom scale drops.  Each week I sit with my calculator and papers trying to find a way to make things work, planning and plotting for survival. Pay this now, try to pay that then, ignore that till next month.  Cut this, moderate that and cancel this.   Some will know what this is like, for those who don’t I hope you never do.

As the weeks pass I find my stress levels building and building.  I managed above all odds to make Christmas happen and with that I end up with a pile of unpaid bills totaling several months or several thousand dollars.  So now I am attempting to dig myself out of the utility hole.  It’s a big hole and I feel like I am equipped with a spoon to take on the job.  It’s a plastic spoon too and we all know those suck.

Nothing will make you feel more pathetic than doubting your ability to let your kid attend a friends birthday party.  I mean thats pretty pathetic right?  The harsh fact is I am not sure I can pull of the extra cash to buy a gift.

Worse still is the string of birthdays that are about to begin.  My kids are Feb, March and April.  I have to do this too.

So here I am in my hole.  I am pretty sure I should have a husband down here with me but if I look around I sure as heck don’t see him. Just me.

That said I still spend money on things that are not deemed necessary.  This weekend I got a new coat for myself, it cost $50, I felt guilty about it so let Kevin get a $20 game.  I should have put that money on the hydro bill.  My coats are so big on me now and they feel sort of stupid on me.  I feel like I am still as big as I was when I have them on.  I guess that it’s the same with most of my clothes.  I don’t feel like I have taken it off, even though my clothes are too big, jeans belted tight or they would fall off.  I stick to my yoga pants and tops that fit me right.   My point is that I still spent money on something even though I shouldn’t.  I debated about returning it tonight but it makes me feel even sadder to think that my life has reached a low that I can’t even have a coat that fits me.   Then I think about how much worse its going to get in the next few weeks.  This I quickly avoid because I am not mentally prepared to deal with the thought of this.  I know it ends up with me working retail evenings and on the weekends. I hate retail.

So today is a rather dim day.  I was low when I woke up and it only got worse with every waking minute.  I try not to think about it but how can I not? Its my family, my home and my life that this impacts.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.  Maybe tomorrow I will feel better about my life and myself. The 30lb loss is the only sparkle I have today and I hold onto it tightly.

As always I wish you all a good day, better than mine at the least!


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